ATTENTION ! Go HERE if
- you understand German better than English
- you often wonder what Seinfeld characters would sound like rattling off German shyt
- German is like Greek to you , but you have a lotta tyme on ur hands with nothing fun to do
- you want my friend Medini to pay you to read her blog
(( Jerry's apartment ))
Jerry is putting stuff from grocery bags into the fridge.Elaine is helping him.
Elaine: Did you see the movie, ‘Constipation’ ?
Jerry: I thought that would never "come out!"
Elaine: (sarcastically) Very funny … no wonder you’re gonna be on The Tonight Show this weekend.
Jerry: That reminds me … I must start working on new material . My brains have gone raw trying to come up with stuff … I met this girl Erica at the gym last week by the way…we’re dating …
Elaine : Is that why you’ve taken to working out at the gym two times a day? But it’s great … you’re finally USING the gym membership you’ve been paying for each year for the last 5 years. ( taking out a bottle of shampoo from one of the bags) Anti-dandruff shampoo?!(taking a step back) Jerry you’ve got dandruff?!
Jerry: (brushing dandruff off from his shirt) Uh …yeah…
George enters.
George: Dandruff? Who has dandruff?
Jerry: I’ve never had dandruff before in my life ! Maybe all this brainstorming is causing my brains to flake …
George: You better do something about it Jerry …or it will drive the ladies away.I mean …no woman would want to sleep with me if I had dandruff … right Elaine?
Elaine : You mean women are falling all over you now cuz you’re bald and can’t get dandruff? Great!
Jerry : Enough with the dandruff already!
(( Sidewalk in front of Jerry’s building ))
Kramer is smoking a cigar while talking to a group of Chinese tourists in a bus.
Kramer: Oh yeah, the Japanese loved him. You will like him too. He is a famous comedian. Very famous !!! (Pointing to the building) This is where he lives.
The tourists take pictures of the building from the windows.
A tourist: (in accented English) That very kind of you… what that in your hand?
Kramer: That’s a Cuban … real beauty this one!
Kramer draws deeply and then chokes and coughs all over the Chinese tourist.
The tourist: Mr. Kramer ,we want to do business with you. Chinese people love Cubans … very much …oh yeah… Beg , borrow , steal but you get us Cubans … We pay you big money…VERY big…and also Chinese girl!
Kramer: (Shaking hands with the Chinese tourist) Deal ! We’ll go sightseeing again tomorrow.
(( Jerry’s Apartment ))
Kramer: Hey Jerry! I’m gonna be rich rich rich!!!!
George, Elaine and Jerry: What???!!!
Kramer: I just made a deal with a Chinese businessman …. He wants 10000 Cubans!! Just think … (moving his arms as if swimming) I’ll be swimming in greenbacks !!! (holding Jerry by the shoulders and shaking him) And …and …. I’ll get you a Porsche. And a Tiffany’s necklace for Elaine.
Elaine:(faking excitement) Really ??!!How wonderful!!!
Kramer: Oh yeah … I’m gonna be filthy freakin rich.
George: What about me? How come I don’t get anything? Why am I always the guy who doesn’t get anything?
Kramer: Well, George, I’ll get you a beautiful Chinese girl!
Jerry: Yeah and you can keep my Porsche too.
Kramer: No …No Jerry! That’s for you!
Jerry: So Kramer, these 10000 Cuban cigars …
Kramer: Yeah?
Jerry: Where exactly are you gonna get them ?
Kramer: (scratching his head)Yeah.. I’m gonna …. oh yeah.. the Cubans.I have no idea.
Jerry : Why doesn’t that surprise me?
George : Buy them from the Cuban embassy. They have huge boxes of them there.
Elaine : You can’t BUY them … Everyone knows they’re illegal here …
Kramer : But I can’t let such a good deal go !!!! I know …I’ll ask Newman!
(( Newman’s apartment ))
Newman and his hot girlfriend Mandy, both in their bathrobes are fighting over the last slice of pizza when the door bell rings. Mandy goes to get the door while Newman quickly stuffs his mouth with pizza. Kramer enters looking haggard.
Newman :What brings you here Kramer?
Kramer: (Eying Mandy and Newman with surprise) Newman you must help me……. I’m in a soup.
Newman:(Thinking of soup) Soup ? …. Er …. I mean… what happened?
Kramer:( A hand on his hip and holding his head with the other , pacing about in small circles ) Cigars …… I need Cuban cigars ………lots of them!!!!!I met a group of Chinese businessmen on the street this morning and agreed to export cigars to China … They made me an offer I couldn’t refuse …… a whole lota dough and a beautiful Chinese girl.I was so busy dreaming about what I would do with all the money at the moment that I didn’t think of how I’d get so many cigars……
Newman:(Slightly pushing off Mandy and getting to his feet) Kramer… Kramer … Kramer … isn’t that just like you …
(Mandy goes to another room)
Kramer : What the hell are we going to do?
Newman: I’ve got an idea .
(( Next morning at Monks ))
Jerry and George are sitting at a table. Jerry is staring at a notepad in his hands while George appears to be examining his beans on toast closely.
George: Working on new material?
Jerry:Yeah … I’m blank all of a sudden.Can’t think of anything ….
George : So how’d it go with Erica yesterday?
Jerry: Oh we broke up.
George :Broke up?! Why?!
Jerry : She’s the one who has dandruff George ….not me !!!She’s flaking … snowing all around my apartment …snowing all over ME!!!!
George: Jerry Jerry … girls throw themselves at you !! And you? You dump them without reason ?
Jerry: That is SO not true. I have reasons …
George : Ok why’d you dump Sandra?
Jerry: She was a violent eater?
George: Violent eater?
Jerry: Yeah she seemed to get pleasure out of stabbing her chicken and impaling her fish!!
George : Janet?
Jerry: Manly hands.
George: Tina?
Jerry: Too uptownish.
George: Lola?
Jerry: Big head.
George: Carol?
Jerry: Low talker.
George: Melissa?
Jerry: High talker.
George: Gloria?
Jerry: Too tall.
George: Helga?
Jerry: Too Jewish.
George : Evelyn?
Jerry: Too funny.
George: Too funny?!!
Jerry: Hey I’m a comedian. I can’t afford to be with someone who’s funnier than me!
George: ok …well … Sidra?
Jerry: She dumped me.
George: Sorry … uh … phew! I’m outta names …
Elaine enters . Orders coffee.
George: How about Elaine?Why’d you break up with her?
Jerry: I don’t remember .That was too long ago. Do you remember Elaine?
Elaine: We were just too perfect for each other.
Jerry: Oh yeah that’s right!
Elaine: (Sipping coffee) So didja come up with anything for the tonight show yet?
Jerry: Naah …
George : Why don’t you talk about toilette paper?
Elaine rolls her eyes.
Jerry : Toilet paper?
Geroge: Yeap … always gets the idiots rolling! You know in
Jerry : Uh …. No I think I’ll pass.
(( A phonebooth in the street/Newman’s apartment ))
Kramer and Newman are talking on the phone.
Newman: We’ll go to the embassy after I’m back from work tonight.I’ll pick you and Mandy up in my mailvan exactly at 12:00am.Be ready.
Kramer: You work so late? What do you do so long anyways?
Newman: What do you take the postal department for Kramer? When you control mail you control information ! And THAT needs careful handling.Anyways …… Aah … And one more thing … get a monkey wrench.
Kramer: Allright-o!!!
(( In a bus ))
Kramer is with the group of Chinese tourists.
Kramer: You want Chinese food for lunch? I thought the Chinese never ate Chinese food outside their country!
A tourist: You wrong.That such a stereotype … we lurrrrv Chinese food … anywhere .Very very much much .
Kramer : oh …alright ….I know a good Chinese restaurant downtown.
(( At the chinese restaurant from the episode 'The Chinese Restaurant' ))
Kramer : (to the maitre d’) Yeah … uh … we want a table for 10.
The maitre d’ : Sure sure … you wait five… ten minutes please. Five…ten minutes only.
(( That evening at Jerry’s apartment ))
Jerry frenetically scribbles on his pad , then cancels out what he has written.Elaine is making herself a sandwich.
Jerry : (tossing the pad and pen) At this rate I’m never gonna come up with anything good for The Tonight Show. My head was so full of ideas just last week.
Elaine: Last week … you mean before your breakup. Jerry I think you just need to hookup with someone. Sex helps you think better.
Jerry: That’s rubbish ! I heard the opposite from George !
Elaine: Well … it’s true … in my experience anyways …
Kramer barges in.
Kramer: Hey Jerry I need food! Lots of it!
Jerry: Has anything EVER stopped you getting food from my fridge before? Go ahead ! Knock yourself out!
Kramer: Thanks !
Kramer grabs whatever he can find so that his hands are full.
Elaine: What do you need so much food for anyways?
Kramer : Remember the Chinese tourists I told you about?
Well I took them to a Chinese restaurant …
Jerry: But the Chinese don’t eat Chinese food outside their country!
Elaine : That’s such a stereotype …
Kramer: So anyways … we waited at the restaurant for hours.Hours Jerry!!! But they wouldn’t give us seats .Some of the tourists were so hungry they grabbed food from other people’s plates.
Elaine: Really?!
Kramer : (mock crying) Yeah … and then we were thrown out on our asses !
Jerry: So you invited them over to your apartment for a feast of borrowed food? Great!
Kramer: Just this once … I’ll never trouble you again .
Kramer turns to leave , then turns back on his heel.
Kramer:Just one more thing … can they come in here and take pictures with you.
Jerry:Kramer I’m gonna be on The Tonight Show in three days …gotta work on new material … I don’t want to be disturbed.
Kramer : Too bad … but oh well …
(( 2:00 am, Jerry’s Apartment ))
The doorbell rings. Jerry gets it. Kramer , Newman and Mandy are standing in the corridor.
Jerry : ( rubbing his eyes)What now?
Newman: Helloooo Jerry!
Jerry: Helloooo Newman!
Newman: Meet Mandy.my girlfriend.
Jerry : (jealously eying Newman ,to Mandy) Hello.
Kramer: Jerry we need your monkey wrench.
Jerry: Monkey wrench?What for?
Newman: Top Secret Jerry.Can’t tell ya.
Jerry :(yawning) Alright alright.
(( In an alley next to the Cuban Embassy ))
Kramer and Newman sneak into the room with the cigars through the window. Mandy is engaging the guard.
Guard: Whaat breengs you here at thees hour, Senorita?
Mandy: Uh …oh well … I want to go to
Guard: You come tomorrow when eets day … okay?
Mandy:(twirling her hair) No …no…
While in the room with the cigars … Newman is trying to open a huge metal trunk with the monkey wrench.
Newman: We’re gonna be rich rich rich !!! They’ll never be able to get us …those fools!!
Kramer: I’ll finally be able to afford a refrigerator !!!
Newman: Mwhahahah !!!!
They throw cigar boxes down the window.
(( Next day at Jerry’s apartment ))
There are cardboard boxes full of cigars all over the place.Jerry is sitting on the couch with a pad and a pen , resting his feet on one of the boxes. Elaine enters, sits next to Jerry.
Elaine: ( looking at the boxes) Uh Jerry … you didn’t tell me you were moving.
Jerry: I’m not. They’re full of Cubans Kramer stole from the embassy last night …
Elaine: Get out !!!! He what ??!!
Jerry : Shhhh…
Elaine : How could you let him bring them in here?!!!
Jerry: As if I had a choice. He evoked the unwritten laws of ‘neighbourliness’. His place is already fulla junk … The Chinese businessmen are gonna come and get them in a day or two …
Elaine: So how’s the material coming along?Any progress ?
Jerry: Nope. Maybe you’re right Elaine … Maybe I DO need to hook up with someone.
Elaine: Told ya …
Elaine switches on the TV.
News Anchor : … investigation into the case is still on .The police strongly suspect the involvement of two unidentified men seen around the premises at the time of the robbery by a tramp sleeping in a trash can … But he does not recall their descriptions … there seem to be lapses in his memory after a cardboard box full of cigars hit him on the head …
Jerry : It’s amazing what these lucky bastards can get away with he he …
Elaine: How’re they gonna take them to
Jerry : They’re shipping them there in the Chinese guy’s ship!
(( At The Tonight Show ))
Jay Leno : We have Jerry Seinfeld with us again… Jerry is it true you just had a breakup?
Jerry : Yeah , that’s true.
Audience : Awwww …
Jay Leno : And is it also true that you met someone new yesterday?
Jerry : Yeah yeah … that’s true as well.Her name’s Mandy.
The Audience cheers.
(( Jerry’s Apartment ))
The group of Chinese tourists is huddled around Kramer.
Kramer : We’ll just have to wait here for Newman. We’re gonna get the boxes to the port in his mailvan. Please make yourselves at home… there’s food in the fridge…
Some of the tourists are taking pictures of Jerry’s kitchen counter , his couch , his bedroom etc.
Kramer: ( switching on the TV) Jerry is gonna be on The Tonight Show … Let’s watch him.
Jerry : … so the Chinese cop goes “Sum Ting Wong. Hu Yu Hai Ding , Dum Gai ?” . What he MEANT was “That's not right. Are you harbouring a fugitive , you dumbass?”
(( Jerry’s apartment ))
The Chinese tourists are visibly angry.
A tourist : This not funny … Your friend crack bad Chinese joke.You invite us here to make fun ?
Kramer: (holding out one arm) Stop! Please calm down … Newman will be here any minute.
(( At an icecream parlour ))
Newman is sitting at a table with a huge bucket of icecream. Several empty buckets are lying about.
Newman: ( half crying , to a man passing by) He stole my girlfriend !!! He stole my girlfriend !!!
(( At The Tonight Show ))
Jerry: My friend and his Chinese girlfriend were visiting his parents last summer… and she kept dispensing free advice all the time. Once at dinner when his mother couldn’t take it anymore she said “ Will someone please shut this fortune cookie up?”
(( Jerry’s apartment ))
Tourist # 1: You think that funny … calling Chinese people fortune cookies…
Kramer : Woah woah ….Listen please …he’s not …
Tourist # 2: We angry Mr. Kramer !!! VERY angry !!!! We cancel deal!!!
Tourist # 2 throws a box of cigars out of the window.
(( Next day at Jerry’s apartment ))
Jerry , George and Elaine are watching TV.
George : You’re busting Jerry …you’re busting!!! you were great on The Tonight Show AND you got yourself a new girl you lucky bastard!
Elaine : What did I tell you … sex DOES help you think better.
News anchor : … the tramp , who was a key witness in the case , was hit on the head by a box of cigars again at
